Inside Out

After so many months i am attempting to write. I had left it. Writing. And academic, family or personal issues weren’t a reason. I had lost something. Something which was mine, not physically or real, but something that made me able to communicate my mind and heart to all. Writing was the only way i felt liberated. I felt happy. But then, everything went about blank. I tried, i tried but couldn’t even write a word. Once, i just forced myself to write, just about anything and when i showed what i had written to a friend of mine, she was disappointed. Disappointed in not just my writing, but the way i communicated my idea. According to her it was as if i had lost my interest. And that’s when i realized, something was missing…..i was just doing things for the sake of doing. Talking to people for the sake of talking, eating and everything else for the sake of it. Writing holds a lot of importance for me and hence i could make my conclusion that easy.

In our life too, there are particular segments of time, where we just move according the situations around and not live! In that time, you think about your life, your goals, the people around you, but you just can’t make things happen. In that time, you understand the situations but don’t reciprocate. That time has all the powers to take away your insides, your values, principles, your entire nature maybe. And it is not like it is someone’s fault or your fault, it just occurs and you can’t stop it. I experienced it and one thing i came to know was you can’t really fight it out. That time phase will occur whenever it wants, however it wants. And maybe it comes to us to make us realize who we were and who we are. It comes to us to put the fact right in front of our faces that we have no control, none. It comes to us to make us feel vulnerable and afraid.

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I cried because i had lost a part of me. I sat on my sofa, feeling empty. I felt as if i was about to go down, fall maybe. The pain, it was excruciating. It felt as if someone sliced away a part of my mind. I became numb. It didn’t take time for everything to become dark, for it was my conveying power, my imaginations, my thoughtfulness that i had lost or so i thought because i just wasn’t able to get myself to express, understand my surroundings, people around me and the wish to excel was dying inside of me! Oh no, it was not just in my head, people around me felt that too! And when that happened, i started fearing. I had never seen myself this weak and under confident. i closed my eyes, i prayed!

Days went by, but i just couldn’t find a way to get myself together and bring back the part that i had lost. I roamed around, i tried to read a novel, i tried dancing, i tried talking with people and all my other interests but nothing worked! It just wasn’t getting anywhere. Later when my exams came, i knew i had to study and somehow i even managed to work that out. Studying was the only time i was sane, trust me.

Finally i met someone (i am not into revealing names or using alternate ones, so just assume xyz) who, with her optimistic attitude and love towards me, opened a door inside of me, that was closed for a long while. There came the light and there it struck me, the only way to re-gain all that i had lost.
I wrote everything that came to my mind. Every single strand of thought. Everything that was going on inside of me was on that screen of my laptop, on the word doc. It is very difficult. The interpretation of what your mind thinks is at completely another level. I tried to make a good sequence and made a lot of permutations and combinations. Initially, it was a complete piece of crap. Random thoughts making their ways into all my major decisions and thinking. It took me days together to just arrange the thoughts and make a meaning out of what i had written. Then slowly slowly, i separated these random thoughts and there i realized what was exactly happening in my mind, what it was capable of and what i had lost.

I had lost my will!

Finally it made sense.
For me that someone became my power to bounce back. She gave me that motivation and she made me remember my worth and who i was! And i am thankful to her for that, for the rest of my life 😀

I wanted to share this because i know somewhere down the line even you may face that time phase and i can understand the pain of losing a part of one’s self and i didn’t want anyone to suffer from this. This was about me getting my will back. You may lose something else and that’s where, there will be a person or an object or a place that will make you realize what you lost and what you are, but gaining it back is entirely on you!
I don’t know whether practically there is a name for such a time phase or not, so i am just keeping it from my side and you read it at the very start! 🙂

 

P.S – Thanks to Bhakti Dhanuka for her inputs regarding the most important part- The title!

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