I am standing here. In the middle of this desert which is supposed to be the hottest place. I feel the urge of having water. I can see myself sweat. Still, I feel cold, inside. How can that possibly be? How can I not feel the warmth inside? How can I not feel?
I have been struggling for a long time to find an answer. The cold I have is something even the doctors cannot help me with. I never even knew how I contracted it.
You know what happened yesterday? A friend of mine had called me and she asked me to accompany her for a shoot since she was alone and her boyfriend had some urgent work. I agreed. She sent me thank you messages along with “you are love”. But at that moment, I felt nothing.
You know what happened day before yesterday? My mom and I had an argument. I hurt her, emotionally, by saying something against what she believed in. I….She cried. She felt bad and I could see it. Yet, I felt nothing. Today, like always, she came to me and she talked. It had never been the other way round.
Another friend of mine has always been there when it came to me needing something (Though, I never really ask). I help her in exchange, say her thank you for what she did, but other than that, I never cared much. I never felt anything.
And the same has been the case with many people who are close to me. Sometimes it comes to my mind that I have become selfish and self-obsessed. But later I discovered that this wasn’t the case.
It never was this way before. I usually felt something. Today all I am is a self-defensive mechanism combined with a work-oriented machine. I work and I defend. I have forgotten the way I used to be. I have forgotten to live. I have forgotten to love. And most importantly, I have forgotten to feel.
The only thing I can feel is anger and pity.
It is like I have been ostracized.
When I look at myself right now, all I see is weakness, stress and a person who doesn’t give a damn about anyone else in this world. The only time I feel good is when I watch a web series or I have completed my job.
The way I used to innovate in any given subject possible, the way I used to think, process…. it has all gone for a toss. Less productivity in almost everything I do.
I had not written an article, I had not danced, I had not read a novel….and I don’t feel the urge anymore. I loved people… now I don’t want them near me. It isn’t just my fault. I blame people for it too. Because all I hear from them is crappy gossip about a random third person or what was a celebrity couple doing this weekend or about how relationships are so demanding and shitty. I haven’t heard anyone talking about something different, a new idea, a new thought… nothing. But all this doesn’t change the coldness factor which has continuous impact on how I respond and talk to people.
I know everything still I know nothing. I know that you are supposed to love people back when they do so much for you………..but I don’t know how to express it. Not feeling it is another pain.
It is easy to remain cold. Because you care about no one, you certainly are looking only for your own survival and there’s nothing in your heart for anyone. Some of the people I had met in the past, wanted this kind of coldness because they couldn’t take the pain feelings gave them.
But trust me, pain seems to be a lot more beautiful feeling when compared to this coldness. Coldness will be bitter and empty.
Pain makes you realize that you are a human, you care about someone else, you can heal that pain and you can always become better.
It will always be you who choose the path you want to go ahead. Turning away from cold will be the most difficult task. But we all know, higher risks, higher returns.
And it feels good to write after a long time 🙂