“I fear pain. I do. I am strong on the outside, reliable and a strong hold but when it comes to my pain, its unbearable for me. I am not talking about the physical pain. You can take a pain killer for that. But what about the inside?
Months ago, I was feeling numb, detached and cold. I thought that it was in my nature to be that way. But now I realize, its an insulation, a protective shield I had created for myself because I could not take the pain, face it and let it down my performance any damn where.
I would wake up in the morning, drink a glass of water, would freshen up, take a bath and get ready for wherever I needed to go. My mom and dad would come with this huge smile to me to wish me the best for my day, but I wouldn’t respond to them in the way I was supposed to.
I would reach my work-space, get myself to do all that was assigned, I would even ask for more when there wasn’t any work left for me and then just stand with my colleagues as they talked about their life, their friends, relations and so on. Sometimes I would just ignore them and leave.
I would come back home, eat my dinner and straight go to bed or just sit in a room where my family wasn’t there. All of them sitting in the living room and talking and I on the other hand was into the virtual world where nothing was true, no one was real.
It was like I wanted to isolate myself from everyone.
I was frustrated with whatever I was doing. I was heart broken and I was depressed. I had even searched “Signs of depression” and “Ways to commit …” and it all matched and worked.
Every night I tossed myself out of bed, I scratched my head a million times, I shouted but silently so that people cannot hear it, I punched the wall, I crushed glasses and finally when I was tired, I would go to bed. But then as soon as I closed my eyes, those hidden, buried and confused thoughts, millions of them, came stomping and hitting hard on every part of my body. The insulation didn’t work when I was alone. I couldn’t stop the water coming out of my eyes.
Those thoughts of being left alone, those thoughts of being heart-broken, those thoughts of being neglected, avoided, those thoughts of being weird and obnoxious, those thoughts of being fucking rejected time and again, those thoughts of being bogged down, those thoughts of being under confident, being afraid, being failed again and again, those thoughts of fear and darkness and the thought of death….. made me throw myself out of my bed so many times.
All I was, was a failure inside. And trust me, it was only getting messier and messier inside. I wanted death. Easy and simple”
When these words came to me, I was shocked, out of my wits and I was afraid!
I couldn’t let this happen to him. I knew that if he went with this to anyone, anywhere, he would be called crazy, mental and frustrated. Everyone would pass comments like “He couldn’t handle himself” or “He didn’t fit in” or “Better that he died otherwise we would have to deal with him”
What kind of an attitude are we carrying?
Pain is a double edged sword. It gives you the hard lessons of life but it also has the power to take that very life, if not faced and tackled. To feel anyone’s pain is deadlier then the death. Pain is necessary and it will be there in your life, in your mind and in your emotions, no matter what. Without pain, no one can understand the true value of any facet or aspect of life. That is what I have understood till now.
Ending your life over pain, frustrations and depressions is giving in easily and wasting a life that would have done better, much better. I wouldn’t understand your pain, I could never and no one can really other than you. But something that you can do is communicate. Get it all out. What’s the maximum that could go wrong? You will die? Believe me, the idea of committing suicide is ironic as hell after that. Instead, why not try to get a solution, or rather start a fresh! You never know, by doing that what levels and bounds of betterment you could actually achieve. And trust me, the braveness in deciding to turn your life around is way higher in regards than deciding to let it fade away.
I am not an expert or a psychologist or a counselor or anything near that. I am just an adult, who goes to college and work regularly, sits with his family and does the regular things that humans do. But I cannot see people losing their life just because its easy and less painful! If you have any kind of sufferings, depression or pain… write it down or talk it out but don’t keep it inside and let it built up. One day, it will explode and there would be no one to help you out!
I have had my share of heart breaks and sufferings and pain… And it hasn’t been easy to face it. I have been cheated, played against in work, considered to be so cold that I have been even avoided and have been even rejected and had even failed in few of the things I really wanted to achieve and face humiliation after that. It takes a lot of strength just to decide that you are going to face it. But once you decide it, every thing in that path will help you to come out of that pain and make your life better. And it is not just my words, there are numerous examples outside and in various parts of this world, that can inspire us. I believe in them!
Just give yourself one more chance to prove that, you are worth it!
P.S – Dedicated to everyone 🙂