A pain to get over.

“I fear pain. I do. I am strong on the outside, reliable and a strong hold but when it comes to my pain, its unbearable for me. I am not talking about the physical pain. You can take a pain killer for that. But what about the inside?

Months ago, I was feeling numb, detached and cold. I thought that it was in my nature to be that way. But now I realize, its an insulation, a protective shield I had created for myself because I could not take the pain, face it and let it down my performance any damn where.

I would wake up in the morning, drink a glass of water, would freshen up, take a bath and get ready for wherever I needed to go. My mom and dad would come with this huge smile to me to wish me the best for my day, but I wouldn’t respond to them in the way I was supposed to.

I would reach my work-space, get myself to do all that was assigned, I would even ask for more when there wasn’t any work left for me and then just stand with my colleagues as they talked about their life, their friends, relations and so on. Sometimes I would just ignore them and leave.

I would come back home, eat my dinner and straight go to bed or just sit in a room where my family wasn’t there. All of them sitting in the living room and talking and I on the other hand was into the virtual world where nothing was true, no one was real.

It was like I wanted to isolate myself from everyone.

I was frustrated with whatever I was doing. I was heart broken and I was depressed. I had even searched “Signs of depression” and “Ways to commit …” and it all matched and worked.

Every night I tossed myself out of bed, I scratched my head a million times, I shouted but silently so that people cannot hear it, I punched the wall, I crushed glasses and finally when I was tired, I would go to bed. But then as soon as I closed my eyes, those hidden, buried and confused thoughts, millions of them, came stomping and hitting hard on every part of my body. The  insulation didn’t work when I was alone. I couldn’t stop the water coming out of my eyes.

Those thoughts of being left alone, those thoughts of being heart-broken, those thoughts of being neglected, avoided, those thoughts of being weird and obnoxious, those thoughts of being fucking rejected time and again, those thoughts of being bogged down, those thoughts of being under confident, being afraid, being failed again and again, those thoughts of fear and darkness and the thought of death….. made me throw myself out of my bed so many times.

All I was, was a failure inside. And trust me, it was only getting messier and messier inside. I wanted death. Easy and simple”

When these words came to me, I was shocked, out of my wits and I was afraid!

I couldn’t let this happen to him. I knew that if he went with this to anyone, anywhere, he would be called crazy, mental and frustrated. Everyone would pass comments like “He couldn’t handle himself” or “He didn’t fit in” or “Better that he died otherwise we would have to deal with him”

What kind of an attitude are we carrying?

Pain is a double edged sword. It gives you the hard lessons of life but it also has the power to take that very life, if not faced and tackled. To feel anyone’s pain is deadlier then the death. Pain is necessary and it will be there in your life, in your mind and in your emotions, no matter what. Without pain, no one can understand the true value of any facet or aspect of life. That is what I have understood till now.

Ending your life over pain, frustrations and depressions is giving in easily and wasting a life that would have done better, much better. I wouldn’t understand your pain, I could never and no one can really other than you. But something that you can do is communicate. Get it all out. What’s the maximum that could go wrong? You will die? Believe me, the idea of committing suicide is ironic as hell after that. Instead, why not try to get a solution, or rather start a fresh! You never know, by doing that what levels and bounds of betterment you could actually achieve. And trust me, the braveness in deciding to turn your life around is way higher in regards than deciding to let it fade away.

I am not an expert or a psychologist or a counselor or anything near that. I am just an adult, who goes to college and work regularly, sits with his family and does the regular things that humans do. But I cannot see people losing their life just because its easy and less painful! If you have any kind of sufferings, depression or pain… write it down or talk it out but don’t keep it inside and let it built up. One day, it will explode and there would be no one to help you out!

I have had my share of heart breaks and sufferings and pain…  And it hasn’t been easy to face it. I have been cheated, played against in work, considered to be so cold that I have been even avoided and have been even rejected and had even failed in few of the things I really wanted to achieve and face humiliation after that. It takes a lot of strength just to decide that you are going to face it. But once you decide it, every thing in that path will help you to come out of that pain and make your life better. And it is not just my words, there are numerous examples outside and in various parts of this world, that can inspire us. I believe in them!

Just give yourself one more chance to prove that, you are worth it!

P.S – Dedicated to everyone 🙂

Transformation – Need your Vote!

Hey guys, this is a special request to all my readers and viewers. I have participated in a competition wherein I have proposed a policy to my State Government which can expedite the Judicial System of my state.

If I win, my policy will be implemented State-wide. But to win, I need your votes and it doesn’t matter where you are or what you are. All you need is to click on the link or copy paste the link which has been given below:

Team NMites, press login to vote, add the details asked and press VOTE!

Just two days are remaining and I believe that my plan can bring change for the society at large. The plan is also on the same link.

Please support and help us!

Thank You! And yes, I will always be there for you guys too.

The cold I have

 

I am standing here. In the middle of this desert which is supposed to be the hottest place. I feel the urge of having water. I can see myself sweat. Still, I feel cold, inside. How can that possibly be? How can I not feel the warmth inside? How can I not feel?

I have been struggling for a long time to find an answer. The cold I have is something even the doctors cannot help me with. I never even knew how I contracted it.

You know what happened yesterday? A friend of mine had called me and she asked me to accompany her for a shoot since she was alone and her boyfriend had some urgent work. I agreed. She sent me thank you messages along with “you are love”. But at that moment, I felt nothing.

You know what happened day before yesterday? My mom and I had an argument. I hurt her, emotionally, by saying something against what she believed in. I….She cried. She felt bad and I could see it. Yet, I felt nothing. Today, like always, she came to me and she talked. It had never been the other way round.

Another friend of mine has always been there when it came to me needing something (Though, I never really ask). I help her in exchange, say her thank you for what she did, but other than that, I never cared much. I never felt anything.  

And the same has been the case with many people who are close to me. Sometimes it comes to my mind that I have become selfish and self-obsessed. But later I discovered that this wasn’t the case.  

It never was this way before. I usually felt something. Today all I am is a self-defensive mechanism combined with a work-oriented machine. I work and I defend. I have forgotten the way I used to be. I have forgotten to live. I have forgotten to love. And most importantly, I have forgotten to feel.

The only thing I can feel is anger and pity.

It is like I have been ostracized.

When I look at myself right now, all I see is weakness, stress and a person who doesn’t give a damn about anyone else in this world. The only time I feel good is when I watch a web series or I have completed my job.

The way I used to innovate in any given subject possible, the way I used to think, process…. it has all gone for a toss. Less productivity in almost everything I do.

I had not written an article, I had not danced, I had not read a novel….and I don’t feel the urge anymore. I loved people… now I don’t want them near me.  It isn’t just my fault. I blame people for it too. Because all I hear from them is crappy gossip about a random third person or what was a celebrity couple doing this weekend or about how relationships are so demanding and shitty. I haven’t heard anyone talking about something different, a new idea, a new thought… nothing. But all this doesn’t change the coldness factor which has continuous impact on how I respond and talk to people. 

I know everything still I know nothing. I know that you are supposed to love people back when they do so much for you………..but I don’t know how to express it. Not feeling it is another pain.

It is easy to remain cold. Because you care about no one, you certainly are looking only for your own survival and there’s nothing in your heart for anyone. Some of the people I had met in the past, wanted this kind of coldness because they couldn’t take the pain feelings gave them.

But trust me, pain seems to be a lot more beautiful feeling when compared to this coldness. Coldness will be bitter and empty.

Pain makes you realize that you are a human, you care about someone else, you can heal that pain and you can always become better.

It will always be you who choose the path you want to go ahead. Turning away from cold will be the most difficult task. But we all know, higher risks, higher returns.

And it feels good to write after a long time 🙂 

Confused

Confused.

I always hated people who didn’t have purpose and direction in life. I thought of them as those who travelled in trains or flights having no destination in mind.
I also pitied them. They would roam around, flashing their fake smiles, their charismatic personality full of facade and sometimes a poker face trying to hide themselves from the reality of their life.

Today I realized, I am one of them.
I want to do many things in life, big things, things that require all your energy… but the only problem is that, they are all in the different spectrums rather different fields.
One day I like to think of myself as a visionary leader who will change the lives of the citizens of his country, the other day I want to be the richest person on earth and the day after I want to be the best corporate personnel and some other day I just think of myself as an accountant.

Everything is tempting. Everything is captivating.

Yet there’s a way things are achieved and most of the times you can’t have it all.

You will have to leave something in order to achieve some other thing.

I am confused. I don’t know where to start and where to end. I don’t know whether what I am doing is right, will take me towards my dream or not. I am confused between the plethora of alternatives the world has given me.

I am confused between risking my life and being the safe playing guy.

I am confused between friendship and leadership.

I am confused between love and duty.

I am confused between revenge and justice.

This confusion is the biggest challenge, I guess in anyone’s life…

And if you are confused… you may well end up in the middle of nowhere.

A New Lesson Learnt

There they were. Sitting in the canteen area of my college. Once, I was amongst them. A part of their gang. But now, things are not the same. I looked at them. They looked at me. Ignorance is really a bliss, I thought and so, I went my way.

In my life till now, a period of almost twenty years, I have changed a lot of schools, a lot of localities, a lot of homes and I have added and removed a lot many people in my life. This process has been very smooth and easy for me. I can leave a person stranded in the middle of nowhere, however close the person is and it will not affect me. At all.

Whenever I got into a fight with someone close to me or someone who had, at that particular moment, importance in my life, I never went to them and started a conversation. I could never get myself to apologize, to be the first one to initiate the talk. Few of the people who are reading this and know me, may not believe this bit as they know that I am an extrovert, a matured and simple person. But this is the truth.

Until now, it never bothered to me because frankly, people weren’t significant to me, it was the situations which mattered, the time that mattered. Unconsciously I had this thing in my mind that I have plethora of options in people. If someone leaves me, I can go with or share the same relation with another person.

Initially, while I was thinking about all of this, introspecting myself, I thought that I have a big ego. There wasn’t any justification for having such an ego. I am not a star, not a big business man nor a VIP. But soon I was made realize that ego wasn’t the problem, because ego was not the element that made me not go and talk, ego was not the element because of which I never initiated the talk, it was fear and insecurity.

Fear of what impression the person will form of me, insecurity of that person putting me down, showing me the road downhill, being the ruthless one. And due to this fear and insecurity my brain always prepared me to leave the person and to leave the situation that occurred because of the fight, as it is. Because you leaving a person is a better thing, than them going away and leaving you stranded.

Thanks to a few people currently in my life who made me realize that what I am doing will actually create a bigger problem in the future.

They made me realize that people are important and people have the power to change the situations and to change the time.

Just to be clear, when I say people, they are – my friends, family, classmates, acquaintances, etc.

I always knew that the fights can be resolved, the problems can be easily handled, mistakes need to be accepted but it was – going to the person and initiating that conversation, apologizing – that was the most difficult step for me.

Of course, every change never is an over-night result. It takes time and it takes the guts to implement the change. And I have started my journey towards the change and have taken another step to become a better person.

Inside Out

After so many months i am attempting to write. I had left it. Writing. And academic, family or personal issues weren’t a reason. I had lost something. Something which was mine, not physically or real, but something that made me able to communicate my mind and heart to all. Writing was the only way i felt liberated. I felt happy. But then, everything went about blank. I tried, i tried but couldn’t even write a word. Once, i just forced myself to write, just about anything and when i showed what i had written to a friend of mine, she was disappointed. Disappointed in not just my writing, but the way i communicated my idea. According to her it was as if i had lost my interest. And that’s when i realized, something was missing…..i was just doing things for the sake of doing. Talking to people for the sake of talking, eating and everything else for the sake of it. Writing holds a lot of importance for me and hence i could make my conclusion that easy.

In our life too, there are particular segments of time, where we just move according the situations around and not live! In that time, you think about your life, your goals, the people around you, but you just can’t make things happen. In that time, you understand the situations but don’t reciprocate. That time has all the powers to take away your insides, your values, principles, your entire nature maybe. And it is not like it is someone’s fault or your fault, it just occurs and you can’t stop it. I experienced it and one thing i came to know was you can’t really fight it out. That time phase will occur whenever it wants, however it wants. And maybe it comes to us to make us realize who we were and who we are. It comes to us to put the fact right in front of our faces that we have no control, none. It comes to us to make us feel vulnerable and afraid.

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I cried because i had lost a part of me. I sat on my sofa, feeling empty. I felt as if i was about to go down, fall maybe. The pain, it was excruciating. It felt as if someone sliced away a part of my mind. I became numb. It didn’t take time for everything to become dark, for it was my conveying power, my imaginations, my thoughtfulness that i had lost or so i thought because i just wasn’t able to get myself to express, understand my surroundings, people around me and the wish to excel was dying inside of me! Oh no, it was not just in my head, people around me felt that too! And when that happened, i started fearing. I had never seen myself this weak and under confident. i closed my eyes, i prayed!

Days went by, but i just couldn’t find a way to get myself together and bring back the part that i had lost. I roamed around, i tried to read a novel, i tried dancing, i tried talking with people and all my other interests but nothing worked! It just wasn’t getting anywhere. Later when my exams came, i knew i had to study and somehow i even managed to work that out. Studying was the only time i was sane, trust me.

Finally i met someone (i am not into revealing names or using alternate ones, so just assume xyz) who, with her optimistic attitude and love towards me, opened a door inside of me, that was closed for a long while. There came the light and there it struck me, the only way to re-gain all that i had lost.
I wrote everything that came to my mind. Every single strand of thought. Everything that was going on inside of me was on that screen of my laptop, on the word doc. It is very difficult. The interpretation of what your mind thinks is at completely another level. I tried to make a good sequence and made a lot of permutations and combinations. Initially, it was a complete piece of crap. Random thoughts making their ways into all my major decisions and thinking. It took me days together to just arrange the thoughts and make a meaning out of what i had written. Then slowly slowly, i separated these random thoughts and there i realized what was exactly happening in my mind, what it was capable of and what i had lost.

I had lost my will!

Finally it made sense.
For me that someone became my power to bounce back. She gave me that motivation and she made me remember my worth and who i was! And i am thankful to her for that, for the rest of my life 😀

I wanted to share this because i know somewhere down the line even you may face that time phase and i can understand the pain of losing a part of one’s self and i didn’t want anyone to suffer from this. This was about me getting my will back. You may lose something else and that’s where, there will be a person or an object or a place that will make you realize what you lost and what you are, but gaining it back is entirely on you!
I don’t know whether practically there is a name for such a time phase or not, so i am just keeping it from my side and you read it at the very start! 🙂

 

P.S – Thanks to Bhakti Dhanuka for her inputs regarding the most important part- The title!

Relations and their sinking ships!

Yes I know. It has been a really long time since I have put up a post. Been busy with all the examination stuff.

In all this time, since my last post, I have come across so many experiences of people around me, my own too, about relations, that I felt apt to write it down.

My regular readers, who have followed my writing surely know that I write what people share with me or what I have gone through myself. Quick advice, start listening and not hearing, and you will have one of the best personality around. I can guarantee it to you. So this time around I came across some varied viewpoints and experiences and expectations of my friends regarding relationships. One is waiting for a relationship to happen; the other one is in a long distance relationship and one of my other friend has stopped believing in the concept of relationship because of the heartbreak she experienced.

So when I say, waiting for relationship to happen, I literally mean that. This friend of mine has mingled with so many people, some she liked but didn’t get the response she was expecting and some others who liked her but she had set a criteria (physical attributes) and they didn’t fit in. She has been waiting for her Mr. Right since four years now! Of course you can wait for eternity if you want but do you really need to?  The one thing that intrigued me about this first aspect is the amount of expectations and limitations we take around with ourselves. Not saying that you shouldn’t wish about the kind of person you want to be with but come on, you have got to be realistic and at least know the person even if they don’t meet your Mr. Right personality. Because as far as I have seen or rather I believe, we have become capable and independent individuals who can handle ourselves and we can make things happen. What we really need is someone who can love us, care for us and be there with us in our bad and good phases, with whom we can share everything rather than some 6 foot tall, fair complexion shit. And trust me you will always want to end up with this sort of a person. So before your ship even begins to sail, make sure you have no holes at the bottom.

 

Ahh.. long distance. I really find the concept a bit tricky because for me, the person I want spend time with should be around me and not in some different city or country. Usually these relations end up really soon. But this friend of mine, who has told me everything about her relationship, man, she and her boyfriend handle their relation with so much care and trust. Both of them know at what time the other one would eat, or go to college or what time do they go for having a bath…hahaha…I find it funny too, but it isn’t. They literally manage their schedules in such a way that they can talk on skype and whatsapp. I feel that these guys truly like each other and would go to any extend to be there for each other. In contrast, what we do is still not spend time even though our partner might just be living two blocks away! All I want to say about this aspect is that, once you are in a relationship, you BOTH have to take equal efforts and measures to maintain it. Even a small lapse from one side can, within seconds, break a good relationship. So now that you are in the ship, make sure you put your sail perfectly and fight out the waves as much as you can, together.

 

Finally, a touchy topic. Break up and its aftermath. Now this friend of mine, the third one, she has always been shy and hesitant about dating. But then she met a guy, someone from her own community, someone who was pursuing the same course in academics as she was, someone who really liked her or that was what she told me. They both spent time with each other and roamed around and texted whenever they got time. Being in the same course was an added advantage. Promises and lot of love was exchanged. But then things changed. This guy went somewhere else outside the city for studies, met a girl and committed to her. What a cheater, you guys must be thinking, but no, it wasn’t completely his fault. They weren’t in a relationship! My dear friend kept things a bit before the line of dating and not much to my surprise he went away. The problem is, we don’t communicate our feelings well, when we should be. Keeping the other person waiting is just going to drive them apart. And as far as I have seen break ups, of all the problems, communication and time have been the real killers. Either you don’t spend time or you don’t talk what’s needed. So as you are about to land on shore make sure you get down together!

Or you might as well jump from the sinking ship together.

And yes, I would also want to share my own stuff. Will not be going into details but sometimes we don’t really understand the person we like, I mean what they say has a particular meaning and what we understand is yet another meaning. So make sure you are on the same track or rather, there is concensus-ad-idem. (Studying business law a lot lately :P)

 

That is all.

Hope you had a good read.

And yes, I have got a whole new set of stories, completely different of what I have written till now! So do wait, okay? J

And one more thing, I would really love if you guys can share your opinions or points about my writing or in fact your experiences with me.

Mail me – amansoni9769@outlook.com