I couldn’t be subtle, so I ranted!

My eyes won’t open. They are tired, and they want to be in the darkness as long as they can be. For a person like me, that’s a devastating thought especially when I am at the verge of becoming a graduate and going to start a new chapter of my life.

I was heading the students’ body of my college for 7-8 months, pursuing my professional course and graduate degree, completing my internship tenure with a professional accountancy firm and I was studying blockchain, crypto currencies and other technologies. Alongside I was trying to be there and help people with their problems. But in all this I think I lost myself. Yes, seeing others happy and progress gives me happiness and that’s the purpose of life I have made for myself. But am I doing it right?

My eyes seek darkness, my body doesn’t want to budge anymore, and my mind doesn’t want to think about anything. Frankly, I have not written for quite some time due to this. I was in a block. The process had become mechanical and life a fucking routine. Yes, I am darn angry with it! Have I accepted the wall of expectation people have of me and thus feeling the pressure? I guess so.

People face numerous problems in their lives, mostly because of their own perspectives and their own image of a life that they so wish to have.


We humans are best at crying over a problem, seeking sympathy for it and even acting to be strong when we are at the most vulnerable point of our lives. Nobody wants to accept their vulnerabilities. They will become a lesser being if they did or this is what most of them think.

I have had problems accepting my mistakes, flaws and vulnerabilities. But I think, it is high time I did. I am 21 and there is a lot of life left in me (except if I bid this world farewell a bit early). I cannot carry the baggage and keep on trying to hide it from others. Yes, I get tired, yes I get angry, yes sometimes I am not able to focus, yes I don’t want to give a fuck about who’s going where, what they do and what they want, yes I am selfish, yes I don’t know the meaning of so many things in life, yes it is difficult to manage time and I am left with no choice but to sacrifice so many things that I hold dear to me and yes I am not honest always.

But I want to do something huge that creates an impact, I want to help people, serve them and yes, I want give meaning to my existence and I want to do it with utmost freedom. I want to seek it with utmost honesty. Honesty with myself, with what I am, my limitations and what I can do about it.

I am done with falsifying myself, cheating myself and creating a mirage of good things around. I am what I am, and I will strive to become a better human being.

Today, we seek happiness in the most mundane stuff like uploading photos of the food we eat, the restaurants we visit, that gym session we completed, we seek happiness getting likes and followers on Instagram and twitter, we seek happiness in people commenting on our posts… deep down we want us to be accepted by everyone and in that process, we fucking leave our own characteristics our own being and try to become something we aren’t. Why? Why the hell would you not want to be yourself? Why are you afraid that some random people won’t accept you? And that’s hilarious you know… you not accepting yourself and then you want others to accept you.

Nobody was sent in this world to be alone, to be left out in isolation unless it is by their own choice.

You are what you are, and you are beautiful. And if you do want to make strides, want to become better, then you have to accept what you are and then work upon things you can actually change and make better. Trust me, you will feel less burdened and your life will change.



Past, Present and a free mind!

When I was 17, I was immature and had a vague concept of life. I used to get affected a lot by situations around me and had thousands of thoughts which my mind processed and it ended up wearing me out.
These thoughts took away the most precious thing I had at that time, the present. The present became unpleasant too!
I did have the habit of clinging to certain incidents and over-thinking about it. Over-thinking cost me some amazing opportunities and enjoyable times and later my academics.

I have met a lot of people who cling to their past. Maybe to just one incident or maybe to everything that happened to them. Some of them accuse God for whatever bad might have happened to them while others put the blame on someone else and they keep crying over the same issue again and again and again and in fact, they even give space to hatred in their hearts and forget the sacred ability we, as human beings have, of forgiving.

What changed me was a simple act of failure.

I had never failed in my life. But this one professional exam that I had given… it crushed me. But I am thankful to that blow. I am thankful because it taught me that only if you have the strength to get back up and move ahead to conquer, will you be successful in your life. Only if you have courage to face failure will you be able to fly. I did clear my exams in my next attempt and that too with unbelievable scores. But this failure, it taught me something very important.
When you keep your mind at peace, you will be able to process the necessary things faster than ever. You feel light. You feel free!
How can you keep your mind at peace? – Meditation, yes. Yoga, maybe. De-cluttering, definitely a yes.
I followed the third one.

De-cluttering your mind is not a simple and easy process but it is also that one thing which helps you effectively concentrate on your present.

While preparing for my exams the second time, I had only three months and 7 huge subjects to clear. I decided that I will make studies my whole and sole area of thought and nothing else will be given any space in my mind. I had thrown my phone and resorted to just one place – library. But this isn’t about how much I studied. This is about the indirect valuable lesson I learnt. After the exams, I felt different and after a while, it struck me. I had forgotten about whatever had happened in my past and I had even let go of my fears and vulnerabilities. I became open!

It is difficult, very difficult, to leave your past which affected you so much. It maybe a fight with your parents, a terrible break up, someone breaking your trust or even, you not accepting your own self.


But I will tell you what almost all the people say – Why to cry on spilt milk?
Yes, I know it is painful and I also know that your past just comes around so often. But if you decide, you will be able to achieve something that you will cherish for your life. De-clutter your thoughts!

I consider past as an incident which I can learn lessons from and I move on. I carry with me no qualms, no hatred, nothing. Either it’s love or it’s learning that I decidedly take ahead with me in present and I cherish it.

Your mind is built for some amazing things that even you do not think you will be able to achieve, but I guarantee it to you, yes I guarantee it you, that once you start letting go and stop thinking about the past, you will be left with a lot of space in your mind to do almost all of the things that you wanted to do or pursue. Free yourself from the baggage you carry. Also, I can only suggest this – Stop getting into unnecessary gossips or being judgemental about people. Be open to everyone and treat each person as a learning point. Even from the worst person you think there is, you can learn a lot. And that person will then just be a point and nothing else. It will stop bothering you in the future.

Accept your fears and vulnerabilities and move ahead to make them strong. Once you open your mind to present, your past will just be another history lesson! 🙂

The Judgement

I was livid, almost near an outburst but I restrained myself. We were at a panel discussion and represented our school. Every time we raised our hands, the mic was passed to someone else. As the event was nearing its end, we got a chance and I stood up only to see some of the people leaving and others just uninterested. I was shocked but that didn’t bog me down. “India’s development lacks fruition because of its direct jump from agriculture to service/tertiary sector creating a huge gap of manufacturing sector which is the most crucial aspect of any country’s development. Our minds have been trained and in fact have been subject to constant propagation that job security and regular salary is the mantra of a smooth life. And if we go deep into this gap crisis, you will realize that at the very core, we lack the quality of education and the facilities that can enhance learning. What we need to start at a very basic level, is integration of education at country level and introducing more practical elements. We can also start conducting business and industry seminars for students where they would be inspired to start their own thing.” Everyone was stunned. No one expected a municipality (lower level of government) school participant to be such a fluent English speaker let alone the on-point content of the speech that had been brilliantly delivered.

Still, I could sense the hesitation. Judges, students, teachers, organizers had all their minds made up. Municipality school, no talent-pure garbage. From the time, we had entered the discussion, we were judged. We had been judged for the school we represented, we had been judged for the clothes we wore and also for the bags we carried. It was the time of results now. I was confident that we would at least be one of the top three if not the first. But the expectations were crushed within minutes. All the international school names were announced as the top three which followed a thunderous applause. As we were about to leave we heard “Our judges found this team to be excellent at few areas and have thus decided to announce a consolation prize. I would like to invite the students of Maratha Vidyamandir to come up and collect their prizes” There were faint claps but nonetheless we were happy that we at least got some recognition.

I have, from the beginning of the time when maturity had hit me, been staunchly against this entire human process called judging. I wanted to get this concept right and so I had asked numerous people as to what judging meant to them.

Few told me that judging for them was forming an opinion about someone, few others told me that it was about creating an image of a person in mind and the remaining people just followed the perception what other people had. The common thing that I observed in all of the responses was that the opinion/image which was being created, was formed BEFORE they had interacted with the person or even had met him/her.

I discussed judging at a stretch with many people. They were of the opinion that one simply can’t stop judging because it is a human nature and that forming opinions and passing comments was a regular thing. When I told them that I respected but didn’t completely agree with their opinion, some of them frowned while others just thought that I had no basis. But I do. Because my elder brother and I were a living proof that it was completely human and quite possible to not judge anyone.

Recently, a few friends and I were on a trip to a hill station. It was chilly outside, so one of my friend decided to smoke. She was new to the group and was oblivious to certain likes and dislikes of the people. Personally, I don’t like smoking but I didn’t interrupt or think anything else, if my friend wanted to smoke. If she felt better and if it’s her choice then who am I to stop anyway. As soon as she was about to smoke, few of the other friends had entered the room. They starred for a while, some of them shifted uncomfortably and finally after giving a fake smile, they left. I could see the expression on my friend’s face. And I also knew, how they had judged her. Throughout entire trip I could see the behavioral change for her, especially in the girls in our group. They were gossiping and throwing indirect jibes at her. I tried my level best to stop it. They didn’t know that the girl they were judging just because she smokes, was also a school topper, was also someone who had sacrificed the recent college trip only to go to an African country for providing medical assistance to their people and she was also the only earning person in her family. But who cared, who would have wanted to know anything beyond a puff of smoke? All they want is to form rapid opinions and pass judgement as much as they can.

Fear. People also fear judgement. They fear that if they do anything which is different from the general norm, they will be ostracized out of the group, society or community and be judged for their entire lifetime. Seldom do they realize that it is this different thing we do which can lead to new ideas, new way of doing things, new thinking or maybe, a new society! Even the things you consider silly today, may have value in the future, you never really know. And even if you are being judged for your choices, that wouldn’t really matter once you are successful. It never really matters.

Forming an opinion after you completely know a person may not be that bad, because then it is, I guess, equivalent to making an informed decision.

Randomly judging someone just on the basis of their choices of movies, their way of dressing, their lifestyle, their economic status would lead you to a distorted opinion or image of that person. Trust me, I have had so many people regret their judgement about others.

All I want to say is, stop judging people even before you interact or know their background.

People have potentials and capabilities beyond your imaginations. It is just a how you perceive. It is whether you want to have an open mind, let people be as they are, be happy, express themselves to you or just create a box of judgement and regret later. The choice is very well yours!

A pain to get over.

“I fear pain. I do. I am strong on the outside, reliable and a strong hold but when it comes to my pain, its unbearable for me. I am not talking about the physical pain. You can take a pain killer for that. But what about the inside?

Months ago, I was feeling numb, detached and cold. I thought that it was in my nature to be that way. But now I realize, its an insulation, a protective shield I had created for myself because I could not take the pain, face it and let it down my performance any damn where.

I would wake up in the morning, drink a glass of water, would freshen up, take a bath and get ready for wherever I needed to go. My mom and dad would come with this huge smile to me to wish me the best for my day, but I wouldn’t respond to them in the way I was supposed to.

I would reach my work-space, get myself to do all that was assigned, I would even ask for more when there wasn’t any work left for me and then just stand with my colleagues as they talked about their life, their friends, relations and so on. Sometimes I would just ignore them and leave.

I would come back home, eat my dinner and straight go to bed or just sit in a room where my family wasn’t there. All of them sitting in the living room and talking and I on the other hand was into the virtual world where nothing was true, no one was real.

It was like I wanted to isolate myself from everyone.

I was frustrated with whatever I was doing. I was heart broken and I was depressed. I had even searched “Signs of depression” and “Ways to commit …” and it all matched and worked.

Every night I tossed myself out of bed, I scratched my head a million times, I shouted but silently so that people cannot hear it, I punched the wall, I crushed glasses and finally when I was tired, I would go to bed. But then as soon as I closed my eyes, those hidden, buried and confused thoughts, millions of them, came stomping and hitting hard on every part of my body. The  insulation didn’t work when I was alone. I couldn’t stop the water coming out of my eyes.

Those thoughts of being left alone, those thoughts of being heart-broken, those thoughts of being neglected, avoided, those thoughts of being weird and obnoxious, those thoughts of being fucking rejected time and again, those thoughts of being bogged down, those thoughts of being under confident, being afraid, being failed again and again, those thoughts of fear and darkness and the thought of death….. made me throw myself out of my bed so many times.

All I was, was a failure inside. And trust me, it was only getting messier and messier inside. I wanted death. Easy and simple”

When these words came to me, I was shocked, out of my wits and I was afraid!

I couldn’t let this happen to him. I knew that if he went with this to anyone, anywhere, he would be called crazy, mental and frustrated. Everyone would pass comments like “He couldn’t handle himself” or “He didn’t fit in” or “Better that he died otherwise we would have to deal with him”

What kind of an attitude are we carrying?

Pain is a double edged sword. It gives you the hard lessons of life but it also has the power to take that very life, if not faced and tackled. To feel anyone’s pain is deadlier then the death. Pain is necessary and it will be there in your life, in your mind and in your emotions, no matter what. Without pain, no one can understand the true value of any facet or aspect of life. That is what I have understood till now.

Ending your life over pain, frustrations and depressions is giving in easily and wasting a life that would have done better, much better. I wouldn’t understand your pain, I could never and no one can really other than you. But something that you can do is communicate. Get it all out. What’s the maximum that could go wrong? You will die? Believe me, the idea of committing suicide is ironic as hell after that. Instead, why not try to get a solution, or rather start a fresh! You never know, by doing that what levels and bounds of betterment you could actually achieve. And trust me, the braveness in deciding to turn your life around is way higher in regards than deciding to let it fade away.

I am not an expert or a psychologist or a counselor or anything near that. I am just an adult, who goes to college and work regularly, sits with his family and does the regular things that humans do. But I cannot see people losing their life just because its easy and less painful! If you have any kind of sufferings, depression or pain… write it down or talk it out but don’t keep it inside and let it built up. One day, it will explode and there would be no one to help you out!

I have had my share of heart breaks and sufferings and pain…  And it hasn’t been easy to face it. I have been cheated, played against in work, considered to be so cold that I have been even avoided and have been even rejected and had even failed in few of the things I really wanted to achieve and face humiliation after that. It takes a lot of strength just to decide that you are going to face it. But once you decide it, every thing in that path will help you to come out of that pain and make your life better. And it is not just my words, there are numerous examples outside and in various parts of this world, that can inspire us. I believe in them!

Just give yourself one more chance to prove that, you are worth it!

P.S – Dedicated to everyone 🙂

Transformation – Need your Vote!

Hey guys, this is a special request to all my readers and viewers. I have participated in a competition wherein I have proposed a policy to my State Government which can expedite the Judicial System of my state.

If I win, my policy will be implemented State-wide. But to win, I need your votes and it doesn’t matter where you are or what you are. All you need is to click on the link or copy paste the link which has been given below:

Team NMites, press login to vote, add the details asked and press VOTE!

Just two days are remaining and I believe that my plan can bring change for the society at large. The plan is also on the same link.

Please support and help us!

Thank You! And yes, I will always be there for you guys too.

The cold I have


I am standing here. In the middle of this desert which is supposed to be the hottest place. I feel the urge of having water. I can see myself sweat. Still, I feel cold, inside. How can that possibly be? How can I not feel the warmth inside? How can I not feel?

I have been struggling for a long time to find an answer. The cold I have is something even the doctors cannot help me with. I never even knew how I contracted it.

You know what happened yesterday? A friend of mine had called me and she asked me to accompany her for a shoot since she was alone and her boyfriend had some urgent work. I agreed. She sent me thank you messages along with “you are love”. But at that moment, I felt nothing.

You know what happened day before yesterday? My mom and I had an argument. I hurt her, emotionally, by saying something against what she believed in. I….She cried. She felt bad and I could see it. Yet, I felt nothing. Today, like always, she came to me and she talked. It had never been the other way round.

Another friend of mine has always been there when it came to me needing something (Though, I never really ask). I help her in exchange, say her thank you for what she did, but other than that, I never cared much. I never felt anything.  

And the same has been the case with many people who are close to me. Sometimes it comes to my mind that I have become selfish and self-obsessed. But later I discovered that this wasn’t the case.  

It never was this way before. I usually felt something. Today all I am is a self-defensive mechanism combined with a work-oriented machine. I work and I defend. I have forgotten the way I used to be. I have forgotten to live. I have forgotten to love. And most importantly, I have forgotten to feel.

The only thing I can feel is anger and pity.

It is like I have been ostracized.

When I look at myself right now, all I see is weakness, stress and a person who doesn’t give a damn about anyone else in this world. The only time I feel good is when I watch a web series or I have completed my job.

The way I used to innovate in any given subject possible, the way I used to think, process…. it has all gone for a toss. Less productivity in almost everything I do.

I had not written an article, I had not danced, I had not read a novel….and I don’t feel the urge anymore. I loved people… now I don’t want them near me.  It isn’t just my fault. I blame people for it too. Because all I hear from them is crappy gossip about a random third person or what was a celebrity couple doing this weekend or about how relationships are so demanding and shitty. I haven’t heard anyone talking about something different, a new idea, a new thought… nothing. But all this doesn’t change the coldness factor which has continuous impact on how I respond and talk to people. 

I know everything still I know nothing. I know that you are supposed to love people back when they do so much for you………..but I don’t know how to express it. Not feeling it is another pain.

It is easy to remain cold. Because you care about no one, you certainly are looking only for your own survival and there’s nothing in your heart for anyone. Some of the people I had met in the past, wanted this kind of coldness because they couldn’t take the pain feelings gave them.

But trust me, pain seems to be a lot more beautiful feeling when compared to this coldness. Coldness will be bitter and empty.

Pain makes you realize that you are a human, you care about someone else, you can heal that pain and you can always become better.

It will always be you who choose the path you want to go ahead. Turning away from cold will be the most difficult task. But we all know, higher risks, higher returns.

And it feels good to write after a long time 🙂