Inside Out

After so many months i am attempting to write. I had left it. Writing. And academic, family or personal issues weren’t a reason. I had lost something. Something which was mine, not physically or real, but something that made me able to communicate my mind and heart to all. Writing was the only way i felt liberated. I felt happy. But then, everything went about blank. I tried, i tried but couldn’t even write a word. Once, i just forced myself to write, just about anything and when i showed what i had written to a friend of mine, she was disappointed. Disappointed in not just my writing, but the way i communicated my idea. According to her it was as if i had lost my interest. And that’s when i realized, something was missing…..i was just doing things for the sake of doing. Talking to people for the sake of talking, eating and everything else for the sake of it. Writing holds a lot of importance for me and hence i could make my conclusion that easy.

In our life too, there are particular segments of time, where we just move according the situations around and not live! In that time, you think about your life, your goals, the people around you, but you just can’t make things happen. In that time, you understand the situations but don’t reciprocate. That time has all the powers to take away your insides, your values, principles, your entire nature maybe. And it is not like it is someone’s fault or your fault, it just occurs and you can’t stop it. I experienced it and one thing i came to know was you can’t really fight it out. That time phase will occur whenever it wants, however it wants. And maybe it comes to us to make us realize who we were and who we are. It comes to us to put the fact right in front of our faces that we have no control, none. It comes to us to make us feel vulnerable and afraid.

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I cried because i had lost a part of me. I sat on my sofa, feeling empty. I felt as if i was about to go down, fall maybe. The pain, it was excruciating. It felt as if someone sliced away a part of my mind. I became numb. It didn’t take time for everything to become dark, for it was my conveying power, my imaginations, my thoughtfulness that i had lost or so i thought because i just wasn’t able to get myself to express, understand my surroundings, people around me and the wish to excel was dying inside of me! Oh no, it was not just in my head, people around me felt that too! And when that happened, i started fearing. I had never seen myself this weak and under confident. i closed my eyes, i prayed!

Days went by, but i just couldn’t find a way to get myself together and bring back the part that i had lost. I roamed around, i tried to read a novel, i tried dancing, i tried talking with people and all my other interests but nothing worked! It just wasn’t getting anywhere. Later when my exams came, i knew i had to study and somehow i even managed to work that out. Studying was the only time i was sane, trust me.

Finally i met someone (i am not into revealing names or using alternate ones, so just assume xyz) who, with her optimistic attitude and love towards me, opened a door inside of me, that was closed for a long while. There came the light and there it struck me, the only way to re-gain all that i had lost.
I wrote everything that came to my mind. Every single strand of thought. Everything that was going on inside of me was on that screen of my laptop, on the word doc. It is very difficult. The interpretation of what your mind thinks is at completely another level. I tried to make a good sequence and made a lot of permutations and combinations. Initially, it was a complete piece of crap. Random thoughts making their ways into all my major decisions and thinking. It took me days together to just arrange the thoughts and make a meaning out of what i had written. Then slowly slowly, i separated these random thoughts and there i realized what was exactly happening in my mind, what it was capable of and what i had lost.

I had lost my will!

Finally it made sense.
For me that someone became my power to bounce back. She gave me that motivation and she made me remember my worth and who i was! And i am thankful to her for that, for the rest of my life 😀

I wanted to share this because i know somewhere down the line even you may face that time phase and i can understand the pain of losing a part of one’s self and i didn’t want anyone to suffer from this. This was about me getting my will back. You may lose something else and that’s where, there will be a person or an object or a place that will make you realize what you lost and what you are, but gaining it back is entirely on you!
I don’t know whether practically there is a name for such a time phase or not, so i am just keeping it from my side and you read it at the very start! 🙂

 

P.S – Thanks to Bhakti Dhanuka for her inputs regarding the most important part- The title!

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Relations and their sinking ships!

Yes I know. It has been a really long time since I have put up a post. Been busy with all the examination stuff.

In all this time, since my last post, I have come across so many experiences of people around me, my own too, about relations, that I felt apt to write it down.

My regular readers, who have followed my writing surely know that I write what people share with me or what I have gone through myself. Quick advice, start listening and not hearing, and you will have one of the best personality around. I can guarantee it to you. So this time around I came across some varied viewpoints and experiences and expectations of my friends regarding relationships. One is waiting for a relationship to happen; the other one is in a long distance relationship and one of my other friend has stopped believing in the concept of relationship because of the heartbreak she experienced.

So when I say, waiting for relationship to happen, I literally mean that. This friend of mine has mingled with so many people, some she liked but didn’t get the response she was expecting and some others who liked her but she had set a criteria (physical attributes) and they didn’t fit in. She has been waiting for her Mr. Right since four years now! Of course you can wait for eternity if you want but do you really need to?  The one thing that intrigued me about this first aspect is the amount of expectations and limitations we take around with ourselves. Not saying that you shouldn’t wish about the kind of person you want to be with but come on, you have got to be realistic and at least know the person even if they don’t meet your Mr. Right personality. Because as far as I have seen or rather I believe, we have become capable and independent individuals who can handle ourselves and we can make things happen. What we really need is someone who can love us, care for us and be there with us in our bad and good phases, with whom we can share everything rather than some 6 foot tall, fair complexion shit. And trust me you will always want to end up with this sort of a person. So before your ship even begins to sail, make sure you have no holes at the bottom.

 

Ahh.. long distance. I really find the concept a bit tricky because for me, the person I want spend time with should be around me and not in some different city or country. Usually these relations end up really soon. But this friend of mine, who has told me everything about her relationship, man, she and her boyfriend handle their relation with so much care and trust. Both of them know at what time the other one would eat, or go to college or what time do they go for having a bath…hahaha…I find it funny too, but it isn’t. They literally manage their schedules in such a way that they can talk on skype and whatsapp. I feel that these guys truly like each other and would go to any extend to be there for each other. In contrast, what we do is still not spend time even though our partner might just be living two blocks away! All I want to say about this aspect is that, once you are in a relationship, you BOTH have to take equal efforts and measures to maintain it. Even a small lapse from one side can, within seconds, break a good relationship. So now that you are in the ship, make sure you put your sail perfectly and fight out the waves as much as you can, together.

 

Finally, a touchy topic. Break up and its aftermath. Now this friend of mine, the third one, she has always been shy and hesitant about dating. But then she met a guy, someone from her own community, someone who was pursuing the same course in academics as she was, someone who really liked her or that was what she told me. They both spent time with each other and roamed around and texted whenever they got time. Being in the same course was an added advantage. Promises and lot of love was exchanged. But then things changed. This guy went somewhere else outside the city for studies, met a girl and committed to her. What a cheater, you guys must be thinking, but no, it wasn’t completely his fault. They weren’t in a relationship! My dear friend kept things a bit before the line of dating and not much to my surprise he went away. The problem is, we don’t communicate our feelings well, when we should be. Keeping the other person waiting is just going to drive them apart. And as far as I have seen break ups, of all the problems, communication and time have been the real killers. Either you don’t spend time or you don’t talk what’s needed. So as you are about to land on shore make sure you get down together!

Or you might as well jump from the sinking ship together.

And yes, I would also want to share my own stuff. Will not be going into details but sometimes we don’t really understand the person we like, I mean what they say has a particular meaning and what we understand is yet another meaning. So make sure you are on the same track or rather, there is concensus-ad-idem. (Studying business law a lot lately :P)

 

That is all.

Hope you had a good read.

And yes, I have got a whole new set of stories, completely different of what I have written till now! So do wait, okay? J

And one more thing, I would really love if you guys can share your opinions or points about my writing or in fact your experiences with me.

Mail me – amansoni9769@outlook.com

For Her!

She was so beautiful, her aura, her simplicity, her laughs, her sweet voice made me sway into dreams of her.

She had these gorgeous hair, these exquisite eyes, this charm around herself…

She was just pure truth!

I wanted to show her the whole world, from the butterflies to the oceans below the sky, from the deepest pains to the unbelievable joys

I wanted to jump from a cliff with her, only to fly as high as we could, only to reach the spaces beyond

I wanted to dance with her, all night, throughout the moon light, her legs on mine, our hands intertwined

I wanted to live every moment with her, all the successes and all the failures, from the scratch till the apex

I wanted to go on a long drive with her, from the sunrise till those stars shined

I wanted to love her like the way she had never imagined, care for her till those skylines, on the far sides  

I wanted to take away all her scars and pains, never even let a single tear fall from her eyes

I wanted to hold her, feel every inch of her, and kiss her, share with her, everything that I had inside of me.

I wanted to make her Happy!

The Much Needed Talk

Communication is the key to express yourself in front of the entire world. World can be perceived differently by different people but I am not getting into that today. My major focus will be on the aspect of communication especially, the one part that I have been continuously experiencing and observing around myself.

Great people have defined communication as exchange of ideas, thoughts, emotions, etc. And of-course they are absolutely right. Well, there are books and everything else on communication and I am just a college student  writing about this topic which  may certainly raise some eyebrows. But in these few days, the people that I have been talking to, have shown me a very common yet a complicated side of communication that I literally had to just gulp my coffee up and keep listening. (That is another story that I like listening :P)

“Dude I am fed up now.” shouted Ria who was sitting across me in CCD.

“He just doesn’t have time for me. I am always the one who calls him, messages him, facebook him, whatsapp him and still, there is no proper response. He will talk for few minutes and then the phone goes silent.”

“What can I do?” I replied. I didn’t want to get into the relationship equation of these guys by any chance. I mean, first of all they don’t understand each other to a certain level and then they get into a relationship and when things go wrong, they blame each other.

“You just drink your coffee and don’t help me out here!” She got mad at me Dude, seriously? I thought.

“Listen up pretty girl. Firstly Rahul is a passionate dancer as far as I have known him. He has given certain commitments to that profession. Of course he will have less time for everything else. And he has to perform in different shows and competitions in different places, of course he won’t be able to take time out just to talk with you. And he has to make his career like us. You can’t mess with that.”

“Then what should I do?” asked the seriously in-the-crying-mode Ria.

“Well just talk to him. Tell him what you feel.”

“What?” She shouted again. “The very problem is that he has no time to talk and you want me to talk?”

“Yes! Tell him everything to you are feeling right now.” I replied

“Have you lost it? What if he feels sad about it? What if he feels that I don’t understand him? WHAT HE BREAKS UP WITH ME?”

Sorry to the women folklore that are reading this but I could make only one conclusion. Females are the most dramatically complicated beings ever! Like seriously. Firstly, you are having a problem with something. Then you want your best friend or whomever person to give you a solution or at least listen to you. And when we do give you a solution, you are all but complaining about it. I mean I understand things can be difficult but if you are literally suffering because of a person then it is your responsibility to talk to that respective person and get done with it. The least that can be done is expressing yourself. If you don’t talk, how will you ever get a response? In fact, the very person you are having problem with will always be unaware of it completely.

A person can’t just keep dragging thoughts within him/herself.

It will only diminish all the positive values and power within yourself.

It will make you lazy, outrageous and frustrated. You won’t be able to think about anything else but that thought.

Communicating to the concerned person is the key.

“Ria just listen to me for this once. It will work out. If you can’t talk then write everything that you feel in a piece of paper and give it to him. But let him know how you feel.”

All she said was, “okay, I will try.”

And we drank our coffee and went home.


The next day in college as I was getting out of the class for break “Hey, I have been wanting to see you for so long Mr Busy Bee.”

Yeah right! Out of the blue you meet me and call me busy bee in front of the entire corridor and laugh by yourself. Anyway I smiled and ignored the name given to me as she was my close friend, Devika.

“Yeah yeah! I messaged you twice few days ago but you didn’t reply”

I was actually angry at her. She will message me every time she needs some help and she will go off. And then she calls me a busy bee. What the hell?

“I am sorry.” She did it so cutely that, you guys understand right? 😉

“Allright. Let’s go outside now”

We went to the nearby food stall and as I was about to eat my first bite of my favorite sandwich, she made a long face. I thought about it. She had her own sandwich. I didn’t even take a bite from it neither did I pulled her leg for a while. Then what’s the problem?

“Hey Devika. What happened?” I asked.

“I don’t know man. You know how I want to go to the US and pursue my studies right?” I felt relieved. It was not me after all.

“Yeah of course I remember. We had a long discussion on it. And I even told you my plans. So what about it?” I asked

“The problem is I won’t be allowed to go to US by my parents.” She answered

This is another societal thinking that we have in our country. Daughters are looked upon as a liability. Earlier people didn’t even used to educate them. And now they want their girls to get a local degree so that the guy finds her fit enough to marry her and take her home or if the girl wants to pursue further studies she is asked to study in a place nearby fully having the knowledge that the faculty and everything else that a reputed college will give is no match to that local college. Still, that is her place.

“Just talk with your parents. Tell them that you want to pursue further studies. And Devika as far as I have known you, you are brilliant at academics and completely deserve to go wherever you want.”

“They won’t listen to me. Dad is like “I will get you into XYZ College and you can study here. No need to go anywhere” Mom supports me but Dad’s approval is of utmost importance.

“See Devika. These are all excuses that we make. If a person wants to achieve something then he has to be determined and get to it no matter what.” I replied

“It is not that simple you know.” She made a sad face again.

I thought for a while. Devika is actually a decent and intelligent girl. Her parents should have no problem at all. Then why don’t they understand her. Don’t know her viewpoints. Then it struck me.

“Devi do you talk to your parents? Like in general. Do you have discussions with them?”

“No. I mean I come to college, go home, study for a while and you know how I like to laze around and sleep and I have my food afterwards and I sleep”

“So in short, you don’t talk to your parents?”

“Yeah. You can say that. I mean dad comes late and by the time he comes I sleep. Mom too is busy with her job. But you know, I had recently asked him if I could go with my friends to Bangalore for a few days and he straight away rejected.”

“What else do you expect him to do? Devika on a serious note, your parents are not allowing you because they think that you haven’t become mature. That you are still the little girl and they only want you to be safe.”

“But…” Devika tried to talk but I interrupted

“Listen to me. Until and unless you talk with your parents, they won’t understand you. You should tell them about what happens with you in college. Not all the stuff, but something that you would share with a close someone. Ask them about how their day at the office. Talk to them about the course you are currently doing and its scope. Just talk with them. A person understands someone else only by his actions and when he talks and conveys his ideas and thoughts. Simple example is us. We have talked and discussed so many things that now we know each other properly. You know the kind of person and I am and vice versa. Why did this happen? You have the answer.”

We people have been given the brain, the heart, the language. And still we want to keep quiet. Why? And that too with one of the most important persons of our lives.

I am not an expert but I have learnt this through my personal experience. Today when I tell my dad that I want to do business, he supports me. He knows that I have the capability and guts to do it. He came to know only when I spoke about my dreams, when I showed him my determination and hard work. When I talked with him.

Today we have so many facilities, so many services.

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All we need to do is talk. Express ourselves. Know each other. And I can guarantee it to you that you will never have a sour relationship with anyone in your life. But yeah, I am not responsible if you talk in a nonsensical way 😛 .

By the way, these two girls messaged me on the very next day that things are starting to get worked out.

Ria and Rahul have sorted their relation while Devika has managed to talk to her parents and they seemed to be very happy with her new behavior.

P.S – I have changed the name of the girls for privacy purposes.

INFLUENCER – Chp 1

This World. Loathed in hatred, in greed. They all want what they want. They don’t give a shit about anyone. They will kill, they will rape, they will torture and yet they put up a fake smile.

You pick up any damn newspaper, you surf any news channel, any bloody social media and you will get the same result. Crime, dirty politics, rat race and money.

It has become all about that. This world has gone mad. It is all over. Soon we will just be freaking robots, emotionless, programmed. A destruction machine.

“Indraan, come fast or we will leave you!!” called my brother. “Coming, just wait a second.”

Mom, Dad me and my little brother were going to Madraga Restaurant, a very famous food joint in the suburbs of Mumbai.

“You are always late!” my brother complaint again. “Now get in the car, will you two?” My dad said.

And we zoomed. We talked a lot on the way. Dad cracked some jokes on Mom but then made it up to her by complementing her. I found this thing between them very sweet. Vasu, my elder brother was pulling my leg, as usual, about the incident that happened in school today. And everyone laughed. I made a face and to make me feel good, my mom hugged me and Vasu had to apologize too. It made me smile.

I loved my family a lot.

We reached the restaurant. I guess ours was the only family that made so much noise there. Hahaha…We were having our dessert and Dad was saying something when suddenly there was a loud noise. And then we looked near the entrance.

Two tall men holding guns. The others men of that gang were near holding the manager by his collar. “We will kill you all” the guy with a scar on his face shouted while entering into the restaurant. “Get down on your knees or get killed this very moment!” the guy said in a very scary tone. There was fear on everyone’s face. Some had closed their eyes for the instant prayers of safety. “What do you want from us? What have we done?” My dad couldn’t control himself. My Mom, at that moment, grabbed his hand. One of the two guys came and kicked my dad. We begged those men to not hit Dad. Mom tried to stop the man but instead got hit hard on her head. I was scared and still. My eyes watered. Vasu, tears in his eyes, went rushing near mom. “Mom, open your eyes, mom. Please mom. Mommmmm!!” Dad rose back and pushed the man and there it was, the loud sound again. But this time the gunshot was on my father’s chest. It was like a nightmare. Vasu and I couldn’t even move. Just tears flowing from our eyes. We were shattered at that moment.

“Anyone who tries any sort of shit here, will be killed. You understand that!” Said the man with the scar. They threw my mom and dad outside the restaurant. I jumped but Vasu grabbed me. “How could you do this to us?” I shouted. “Hahahaha… we can do many things you little piece of shit. Now sit there silently or you will be sent out the same way as your bloody parents were. You understand?”

Vasu and I had lost everything in those few minutes. I couldn’t stop crying. Vasu couldn’t either. He held me in his arms. He would have done anything to protect me. We couldn’t even call the police. They had taken us as hostage. I was afraid. Completely cold. “Indraan! Look at me. Nothing will happen to you. Mom and Dad will be okay. I will not let anything happen to you guys!” He assured me but he couldn’t to himself.

It was almost five hours now. Many police force which tried to get into the restaurant were killed. These people were very dangerous. These terrorists were attacking not just here but few other places too!

I opened my eyes. Vasu had held me very closely to himself. I could see everyone. They held their close one together under the tables. The fear around was like a mountain. Nothing could take it away. Few of the men went out with their guns. There was only one guy with the gun to watch all the hostages. Vasu set up straight. “This is our chance” he said to me.

He looked around. He waived his hand around and luckily one of the hostages saw us. Vasu suggested them to sneak in their way from behind through gestures. The restaurant was big and that made it difficult for us but then, that was the only way out. From behind via the kitchen. While the guy who was watching us walked near the entrance, Vasu crawled to the other table where there were two men. He talked with them something in a hushed manner. They listened to him carefully. One of the two got up with his hands raised high. “Why are you here? Stay where you are or die!” “I want to use the loo. It is urgent!” He held the gun to his chest. “Do your loo in your pants! Now fucking sit down” In an instant, he tried to grab the gun, fighting with the terrorist guy, while Vasu and the other man with him asked everyone to go in the direction of the kitchen. There was another gun shot. “Shit!” said Vasu. There was one of the terrorist outside the restaurant that he missed out.

The two guys started firing and grabbing people. Vasu asked me to run as fast as I could. And as he turned to stop the guys, he was hit by another of that nasty bullet. My heart almost stopped.

I ran. I ran. I kept running. Gunshots from behind didn’t stop. Tears flowing through my eyes. My heart beating my chest as fast as it could. I ran away.

I was left blank. Scattered. Broken.

“And it gives me a pleasure to announce the name of our valedictorian for academic year 2025-26 Mr. Indraan Singhania” The principal, teachers, students and everyone else were waiting in anticipation to see him, one of the most intelligent guy in the history of MIT, Cambridge. They never saw him again.

“Indraan, I know this is your last day in the States. Do you want to say something to me before going?” asked the counsellor. “Nothing.” I said. “Well then, all the best for your future!” She replied.

My counsellor was the only social element of my life in the States. “Indraan, I think you should stay here for a bit longer. Some of the counselling is still left.”

“No ma’am. I got what I wanted from here. I should leave now.”

She just smiled. I knew she wanted me to stay as I was her only patient who was associated with her for 5 years and she somewhat felt that bonding, which I never could.

Since the day my family was taken away from me I have been to myself. No friends. No social media. No parties. No adventures. No business .No almost everything. My interactions and happy moments have faded. My relations had become soured. Even now, they are.

Frankly, I didn’t like any of this. I hated most of the casual things that people do. Everything fake. Everything 2 faceted.  I wanted to change this fucked up society. This bull shit politics that people play amongst themselves. These Wars and terrorism ideology. These mind games they aim to win!

And I was now on to my mission. The machine that will help me change it all. INFLUENZER.

Thank You for reading the first chapter of Influencer. I will be uploading the next chapter soon 🙂

Your Feedbacks are valuable to me. Do Mail me on amansoni9769@outlook.com

The Reality Check

For hours we used to talk
With those jolly steps and some drinks we used to go on walks
The amazing moments that we had
The funny banter about which we were so glad
She was happy with me it seemed
But one day she faced some troubles and problems
I got to know and off did i go
Just to meet her
And as I was standing in front of her, things got real blur
For when I asked her “Are you okay?”
“Mind your own business.” Was all she had to say.

Surprised and shocked, I made a reality check.

He was someone I used to call my brother
From Clothes to food dishes
From Notes to our dreams and wishes
We shared everything with each other
I called it our bro-mance but in reality, things were all for a chance
For when he became successful and strong
After lots of missed calls he finally picked up and asked, “Why are you calling me? What’s wrong?”
Just the question I never longed

Sad and disappointed, I made a reality check.

She always asked me to help her out in work
I did it like a clerk
I was always the one to carry the shopping bag
Never in my life I thought it to be a snag
Feelings had started to come up
I fell for her, my heart chirped
As I was about to speak my mind
I saw her kissing another man, that time

Hurt and disappointed, I made a reality check

I wasn’t trying to be the hero
Just wanted to save my society from those 100s who made us  zero
“Lead us all. We are with you” they shouted
But then, when I looked back
There was no one, just a sound of crack

Alone in the darkness, I made a reality check.

I never really understood
The irony of being good.
They all said, “this is how the world works”
And I realized, things were bad at the very crux.
We never really value what’s with us
Materiality has become a desperate thirst
There was a time we cared about those small little gestures, the smiles on the faces of others
Now, not giving a shit about this and that, has become the new swag!
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PAIN

When hard-work gives you nothing but defeat

When love gives you nothing but loneliness

When success gives you nothing but sadness

That is when you feel it

Pain

When you see your friends leave you

When you see your one and only break you

When you see your loved ones Die

That is when you feel it

Pain

When the harshness of this world makes you cry

When the coldness of world makes you shiver

When the greediness of this world leaves you poor

That is when you feel it

Pain

When you see inequality triumphing over honesty

When you see profits soaring over passion

When you see hell breaking loose over your heaven

That is when you feel it

Pain

When you are oblivion to the sacrifices they made for you

When you hate the person who loves you the most

When you realize that expectations never really fulfill

That is when you feel it

Pain

So, is pain really such a bad omen?

Is pain really something that leads you to death?

Is pain really evil and dark?

Is pain really something that makes your insides destroy?

Pain

Well, hell NO!!

Pain is the reason for Kindness

Pain is the reason for Care

Pain is the reason for Balance

Pain is the reason for Love

For pain is the only feeling that shows you the value of everything!!

For pain is the only feeling that has the power to give you a choice – Good or Bad

For pain is the only feeling that shares you with rest of the world

So, feel it, embrace it, cry-out loud if you have to

Because from pain, you will have the power to stand against all odds

Because from pain, you will die for someone

Because from pain, you will achieve for someone

That is when you feel

Loved!

love