My eyes won’t open. They are tired, and they want to be in the darkness as long as they can be. For a person like me, that’s a devastating thought especially when I am at the verge of becoming a graduate and going to start a new chapter of my life.
I was heading the students’ body of my college for 7-8 months, pursuing my professional course and graduate degree, completing my internship tenure with a professional accountancy firm and I was studying blockchain, crypto currencies and other technologies. Alongside I was trying to be there and help people with their problems. But in all this I think I lost myself. Yes, seeing others happy and progress gives me happiness and that’s the purpose of life I have made for myself. But am I doing it right?
My eyes seek darkness, my body doesn’t want to budge anymore, and my mind doesn’t want to think about anything. Frankly, I have not written for quite some time due to this. I was in a block. The process had become mechanical and life a fucking routine. Yes, I am darn angry with it! Have I accepted the wall of expectation people have of me and thus feeling the pressure? I guess so.
People face numerous problems in their lives, mostly because of their own perspectives and their own image of a life that they so wish to have.
We humans are best at crying over a problem, seeking sympathy for it and even acting to be strong when we are at the most vulnerable point of our lives. Nobody wants to accept their vulnerabilities. They will become a lesser being if they did or this is what most of them think.
I have had problems accepting my mistakes, flaws and vulnerabilities. But I think, it is high time I did. I am 21 and there is a lot of life left in me (except if I bid this world farewell a bit early). I cannot carry the baggage and keep on trying to hide it from others. Yes, I get tired, yes I get angry, yes sometimes I am not able to focus, yes I don’t want to give a fuck about who’s going where, what they do and what they want, yes I am selfish, yes I don’t know the meaning of so many things in life, yes it is difficult to manage time and I am left with no choice but to sacrifice so many things that I hold dear to me and yes I am not honest always.
But I want to do something huge that creates an impact, I want to help people, serve them and yes, I want give meaning to my existence and I want to do it with utmost freedom. I want to seek it with utmost honesty. Honesty with myself, with what I am, my limitations and what I can do about it.
I am done with falsifying myself, cheating myself and creating a mirage of good things around. I am what I am, and I will strive to become a better human being.
Today, we seek happiness in the most mundane stuff like uploading photos of the food we eat, the restaurants we visit, that gym session we completed, we seek happiness getting likes and followers on Instagram and twitter, we seek happiness in people commenting on our posts… deep down we want us to be accepted by everyone and in that process, we fucking leave our own characteristics our own being and try to become something we aren’t. Why? Why the hell would you not want to be yourself? Why are you afraid that some random people won’t accept you? And that’s hilarious you know… you not accepting yourself and then you want others to accept you.
Nobody was sent in this world to be alone, to be left out in isolation unless it is by their own choice.
You are what you are, and you are beautiful. And if you do want to make strides, want to become better, then you have to accept what you are and then work upon things you can actually change and make better. Trust me, you will feel less burdened and your life will change.